The "r" Word

So much goes on in a day in my life, that to blog about it all would bore you to tears. Right now I just want to focus on something I can't seem to shake. The "r" word. Retard. Retarded. I've used this word so many times and never once thought a thing of it. Now, everything is different and I am having an internal conflict. I have slipped and used it even just today. As soon as it comes out of my mouth my heart sinks. The word has a whole new meaning now and part of me doesn't even want to accept it. I can't even decide if I'm actually offended by the word, or not. I've never said or meant it in an offensive way to someone with an actual disability and I've been wracking my brain trying to think of a similar word or phrase to compare it to. Maybe that's because I've never known anyone it actually applied to, in the literal sense. It's just something I say, without thought and without cruel intentions. I know that a lot of people, parents, in my shoes are so offended by it that they are outraged. Maybe they've just been at it longer than me? Maybe I just can't bring myself to admit that this could be true of my precious angel. Yeah, that's definitely it, or at least a huge part of it. More than huge. Denial. Denial. Denial. Does anyone mind if I live here, just a little longer? Thoughts? Opinions? Advice? Just a quick snippet of what goes on in my mind. I have the hubby home on a rare Wednesday night, so I'm gonna go back to hubby time.