It's been a rough few months for me. One of the things I've learned about myself in my 39 years is that I have a REALLY hard time letting go. People who get into my heart, that I love unconditionally, don't get out easily. Not on my end anyway. I've experienced this kind of emotional anguish over men (boys, really) in the past, but only one other time has my heart been so broken. This time though, it wasn't a boyfriend that I broke up with, it was a best friend. Luckily for me, I'm in an extremely stable place in my life. I have a husband that has proven in this time that HE is my one and only true best friend. Through this difficult time it seems our relationship has grown 100 fold. His support, his shoulder (that I've cried on more times than I care to admit) his caring for me and belief in me have truly gotten me through the past 4 months. Not only that but, i have my kids. Let's face it, having kids can distract you from anything. They are all consuming. I thank God for them!
Over the past 4 months I've gone through so many emotions: hurt, loss, betrayal, denial, anger and sadness. I've felt them all before. I'm no stranger.
What's different now is my body. I've spent the last 2 years building my body and soul through health and fitness. I've taken great pride in myself and my accomplishments. Losing 20 lbs, exercising for the first time in my life, empowering myself and gaining confidence like I've never known. And just like that <poof> it's all gone. Ok, not all. I've managed to start a new program, I started off great, but I lost it after 4 weeks. I tried and tried and I'm still trying to get back on track. I just can't seem to find my groove again.
Then this past week I had a realization. When I started this fitness journey I was in a fairly good place in my life. A stable place. Sure, I had some emotions still swirling around with Eddie's diagnosis, but setting an example and seeing how it inspired him fueled my fire. It launched me to success. It was easy for me to quickly and drastically change my diet, begin a program that I loved and watch the weight fall off. I was happy then. I had it all. I had support coming out my ears. This is the first time in 2 years since starting my journey that I've been hit with a major set back. A heartache that I don't even know how to categorize. I never classified myself as an emotional eater. Not until now. Now, all bets are off. I'm learning that I AM an emotional eater. I'm an emotional face stuffer. I'm an emotional coach potato. I'm in an emotional hurricane and food is in the eye of the storm. I feel completely overpowered by my urges then when I'm eating crap I brush it off. Who cares. I have a husband who loves me. I'm a great mom. I'm a good person.
But I care. I care because now I know how it feels to be healthy. And I don't feel healthy now. I feel lazy. I feel bloated. I feel lethargic. I feel heavy in the belly and bum, as well as the heart. I've gotten sick for 2 weeks straight, followed immediately by a bladder infection. Enough is enough.
I know, logically, that once I start drinking more water and eating clean I will start to feel better emotionally, I'll have more energy for my workouts, I'll feel lighter. I will be able to heal quicker, both physically and emotionally. I know this. But somehow I'm paralyzed.
I don't know if this was the "reason" behind the heartache I had to go through to get here. If it's to make me a better coach, one who understands on a much more emotional level than I ever could have before. But it sure feels that eat. Relating to people, especially people I coach, is extremely important to me. I know that just having that first hand experience will help me help someone else. Even if it's just one other person. That's why I'm writing this tonight. To say it again, enough is enough. I'm taking a stand. I'm starting a new clean eating plan. And I won't let any thing, any one or any situation stop me. Maybe, like most of the really hard lessons in my life, I'll have to do it alone. That's ok. I know I can. I've been through worse and I've survived.
If you can relate to any of this. Please don't hesitate to contact me. I'd like to think of myself a pretty good listener. Just reach out.
Thanks for listening and thank you for your continued support. XO
