Today I Pledge....Patience.

Today is a day where I ask my friends to take a pledge every year. To spread the word to end the (R) word.  And while it's a absolutely hands down worthy cause, the truth is my mind is focused slightly above my little precious Eddie.  Today I am also taking another type of pledge, one to myself and to my oldest son.  Instead of focusing on Eddie today, today the focus is on his big brother, my sweet, sensitive, loving, wise, intuitive and amazing oldest child.  I often say to people, jokingly, that Dominick is my true "special needs" son.  And people usually giggle as I try my hardest to describe in few, short words just how trying it is to be this boy's mama.  Dominick from before he was a year old has been able to perform tasks way beyond his years, well year in this case.  He has always had an absolutely amazing and awe inspiring capability to learn new things.  He knew all his letters, their sounds, how to identify them in sentences, all before turning 1.  He always just got stuff.  He made my job as his first teacher a breeze and an absolute privilege.  His intelligence is a wonderment to me to this day.  That aside, there is so much more to Dominick's brain function than just his intellect.  I learned when he just turned 3 that he was so smart that his brain was working way too fast for his speech.  This caused serious and almost devastating meltdowns and tantrums.  He was almost 3, barely able to form a sentence and repeating the few words he did know over and over and over and over and OVER.  For sometimes 40 minutes at a time.  I tried everything.  Distracting was just not an option.  Bribery was pointless.  Hugging and affection did nothing.  I was lost.  On top of the meltdowns there was, and still is, the defiance.  If I say go, he will stop.  If I say yes, then no it is.  This is down to the minute details in our every day life.  "Dominick would you like a waffle" Even tho this is his favorite food, he will say no just to oppose me.  Every day, all day.  I was drained.  I was beat.  I was defeated.  I was alone. At the time all of these behavior started I had just had Eddie, and for those who don't know, that is his little brother who was born with Down syndrom.  My husband worked the graveyard shift and the days he was off, he was a zombie.  The age 2-3 for Dominick was one of the absoulte hardest years of my life.  The tantrums, the defiance, the meltdowns were NOT typical 2 year old behaviors, I knew this. The meltdowns that include constant looping of one phrase ("I open the door, I open the door, I open the door" when I would open the fridge or the front door or the car door, or tried to do anything really) is what prompted me to get him tested, fearing he had some kind of OCD or Oppositional Defiance. I took him to be tested and was floored by how much he knew, he was given a very abstact matching test and got every single one correct.  I had to ask the teacher if he was correct every time because I had no idea what they were asking.  He did, instantly placing the little cards with the correct abstract image.  After two series of test, I was brought into the psychologists office, heart in throat and sweat in hands.
 She said "Well, Mrs. Petraglia, it turns out all of Dominick's behavior issues stem from him being extremely intelligent and unable to express himself.  He also needs to control things, a common bi product of highly intelligent children.  I suggest you put him in music lessons, guitar, violin, piano..anything, and I believe he will flourish and this will give him the outlet he needs and something that is his, that he can control."
Sounded like a plan! Wow, ok, so he's super smart!? Like, officially!? This is amazing! My frustrations were quickly masked by pride and joy in my smart little boy.  Music lessons, STAT,,,,,Except he was 3 and nobody would give him private lessons.  Group music therapy type lessons offered no help, while they were fun in their own right, they were not tapping into that area of his brain that needed it.  So, I put it aside.  I had an answer, and that was good enough for me.

Until it wasn't anymore.  His behaviors were not subsiding and new behaviors were adding themselves to the itinerary.  We learned when he started preschool, not long after his testing, that he does NOT do well with changing of routines.  That paired with normal separation anxiety being away from me for the first time ever...well, the first few days were so horrible, I still cry thinking about it.  Once Dominick started preschool I learned two things.  First, he is not the typical. happy go lucky, run and play 3 year old.  He will study his surroundings and observe quietly and have no desire to "go play" with other kids.  This has followed him to every new teacher, classroom and school over the past 3 years.  Every time we change his setting, teacher, classroom or school it causes overwhelming emotion and anxiety for him.  How these present themselves is through behavior.  And even tho my brain knows the triggers, it's never an easy process.  He will become 1,000 X's more defiant and ornery.  I will last a good few days knowing in my heart why he is acting out.  Yet, after a few days I just lose it.  I lose it.  Plain and simple.  There is only so many times I can get opposition from him before I just want to scream.

Another way his intelligence and heightened awareness of all things around and within him presents is through his sleep.  We have had sleep "issues' since he turned 2.  He stopped napping completely at this age.  The older he got the worse the issues became.  The issues morphed so many times until finally settling on one common theme.  Fear. Overwhelming fear.  Fear of everything and nothing all at the same time.  We have now finally found a routine that helps with his fears at night, but over the past year or more I have noticed that this fear is now effecting his day job! He is afraid of any empty room, day or night, sun up or sun down.  He cannot be alone for even one moment, anywhere.  When he was smaller and still to this day, he cannot play a game or do any activity alone.  If he is doing a solo activity, he is giving me a constant, and I mean CONSTANT commentary.  Every thought expressed, every decision shared.

I know all these things are part of what make Dominick so special and unique. I know that.  but, as a mother of two kids.  Both with special needs, I am so tired.  I feel smothered and overwhelmed.  I feel like I have lost every single part of me.  Admitting that those things make me sad is a very humiliating feeling. I have become a fly off the handle mom, with yelling the go to way to express my anger and stress.  I don't recognize myself anymore.  Not only as a Mother, but as a person.  Who am I? I have never lost my patience the way I do now, in my life.  And patience is one of the things that made me me.  I never lost my temper or yelled, yet these days it's what I do best.

 Every mom wants to give up and WILL give up everything for her children.  The reality of that, however can make you feel like you're sinking in an ocean and nobody is there to save you.  I live in constant struggle to be the mother I have always dreamed of being.  Smart, funny, loving and above all - patient.  Yet, lately, patience has been outside our front door just waiting to be let in.  Only I can open that door.  She will be a welcomed guest.  Yet, just like with friends, I don't always invite people over because the laundry is piled over or the dishes are smelly in the sink, or the toys are everywhere and I haven't mopped for weeks.  I think it is time to treat patience as I would my best friend.  The friend who doesn't care about your dirty laundry and disgusting house, the friend that will be there for you through thick and thin.  That is patience.  I am ready today to unlock that door, to take that pledge and to show all of the ugliness that it takes to be a Mother, to let that welcomed friend it and allow her to put her arms around me and forgive me for letting her wait outside in the cold for so long.  

Halloween Poop!

Totally random post today.  I just wanted to create this blog post so I can create a Pinterest Pin to my Hallooween Poop labels I made last night.  A few kinder moms and I are throwing a Halloween party and I saw a really cute idea for Pumpkin Poop (cheeseballs), then came across Ghost and Bat poop.  Well, for the pumpkin poop I found a really cute little poem, but for the ghost and bat poop--nothing.  So, I wrote them myself, and I thought there may be others out there who would like to borrow my creations....Here are the labels I created:

Pumpkin Poop Label 

(I did not write this poem)

 Bat Poop Label 

( I did write this)

Ghost Poop Label 

(I did write this)

I will be using cheeseballs for Pumpkin Poop, Whoppers for Bat Poop and mini marshmallows for Ghost Poop and putting them in apothocary jars with treat bags to self serve.  :)

Enjoy!

Enough is Enough

It's been a rough few months for me. One of the things I've learned about myself in my 39 years is that I have a REALLY hard time letting go. People who get into my heart, that I love unconditionally, don't get out easily. Not on my end anyway. I've experienced this kind of emotional anguish over men (boys, really)  in the past, but only one other time has my heart been so broken. This time though, it wasn't a boyfriend that I broke up with, it was a best friend. Luckily for me, I'm in an extremely stable place in my life. I have a husband that has proven in this time that HE is my one and only true best friend. Through this difficult time it seems our relationship has grown 100 fold. His support, his shoulder (that I've cried on more times than I care to admit) his caring for me and belief in me have truly gotten me through the past 4 months. Not only that but, i have my kids. Let's face it, having kids can distract you from anything. They are all consuming. I thank God for them!

Over the past 4 months I've gone through so many emotions: hurt, loss, betrayal, denial, anger and sadness. I've felt them all before. I'm no stranger.

 What's different now is my body. I've spent the last 2 years building my body and soul through health and fitness. I've taken great pride in myself and my accomplishments. Losing 20 lbs, exercising for the first time in my life, empowering myself and gaining confidence like I've never known.  And just like that <poof> it's all gone. Ok, not all. I've managed to start a new program, I started off great, but I lost it after 4 weeks. I tried and tried and I'm still trying to get back on track. I just can't seem to find my groove again.

Then this past week I had a realization. When I started this fitness journey I was in a fairly good place in my life. A stable place. Sure, I had some emotions still swirling around with Eddie's diagnosis, but setting an example and seeing how it inspired him fueled my fire. It launched me to success. It was easy for me to quickly and drastically change my diet, begin a program that I loved and watch the weight fall off. I was happy then. I had it all. I had support coming out my ears. This is the first time in 2 years since starting my journey that I've been hit with a major set back. A heartache that I don't even know how to categorize. I never classified myself as an emotional eater. Not until now. Now, all bets are off.  I'm learning that I AM an emotional eater. I'm an emotional face stuffer. I'm an emotional coach potato. I'm in an emotional hurricane and food is in the eye of the storm.  I feel completely overpowered by my urges then when I'm eating crap I brush it off. Who cares. I have a husband who loves me. I'm a great mom. I'm a good person.

But I care. I care because now I know how it feels to be healthy.  And I don't feel healthy now. I feel lazy. I feel bloated. I feel lethargic. I feel heavy in the belly and bum, as well as the heart.  I've gotten sick for 2 weeks straight, followed immediately by a bladder infection. Enough is enough.

I know, logically, that once I start drinking more water and eating clean I will start to feel better emotionally, I'll  have more energy for my workouts, I'll feel lighter. I will be able to heal quicker, both physically and emotionally. I know this. But somehow I'm paralyzed.

I don't know if this was the "reason" behind the heartache I had to go through to get here. If it's to make me a better coach, one who understands on a much more emotional level than I ever could have before. But it sure feels that eat. Relating to people, especially people I coach, is extremely important to me. I know that just having that first hand experience will help me help someone else. Even if it's just one other person. That's why I'm writing this tonight. To say it again, enough is enough. I'm taking a stand. I'm starting a new clean eating plan. And I won't let any thing, any one or any situation stop me. Maybe, like most of the really hard lessons in my life, I'll have to do it alone. That's ok. I know I can. I've been through worse and I've survived.

If you can relate to any of this. Please don't hesitate to contact me. I'd like to think of myself a pretty good listener. Just reach out.

Thanks for listening and thank you for your continued support. XO

Why I Became A Beachbody Coach

As most of you are aware, I've been on a journey to get fit. Even just a year ago I never would have believed those words were to come out of my mouth. It happened out of nowhere. One day I decided to finally join a friend at a local "boot camp", after quite a few months of saying "no, thanks" about a hundred times. I don't know what made this day any different, other than my slight curiosity. Boot camp sounded scary, but I wanted to give it a try. I'll be honest. The first day I nearly threw up - 3 times. I would have quit if it weren't for my friends pushing me and encouraging me. I was 37 years old and had literally NEVER exercised a day in my life. I thought I was going to die by the end of the hour. But something else happened, I felt proud of myself. I felt motivated and challenged. Why was I telling myself I couldn't do it for so many years? That was IT I was doing this. I was gonna make a go of it and see if I could actually get results. I stuck with the boot camp, tweaked my diet a bit & cut out soda and drank only water - and I lost I think 2 pounds the first WEEK!  Yeah I was in this now. Except...boot camp wasn't easy for me to do with my husbands work schedule and two littles. At the same time that I started this journey, my husband started doing the Insanity workouts at work with his co workers. He would come home and tell me how it was kicking his ass. I'd say "I want to try" (still can't believe those words came out of my mouth). I was feeling strong by this time and I wanted to take him and Insanity ON!  He brought home the DVD for me and that is what REALLY started my Beachbody journey. A few things happened after my first day of Insanity 1) I almost died. Like I thought I was going to literally die after the first fit test ha 2) I didn't die, but I gained an immense sense of strength and empowerment. 3) I made a commitment. I promised myself I would complete the program.   And I did! Sure, I hit a few bumps in the road, missing a workout here and there, but 95% of the time I pushed play. My husband never completed it, he never even made it to the second phase! Ha! This just added fuel to the fire. I WILL DO THIS!  The day I finally completed Insanity was honestly one of the proudest days of my life.  By this point I had heard about Shaun T's (who my son calls "mamas boyfriend") new workout Focus T 25. My obsession with fitness has now been established and my love for Shaun T carried me to the next phase. I started T25. I LOVED IT. I was used to 60+ minutes every day, but this one was only 25!  Done. I continued to stay committed to myself and my health. I was officially addicted to the results I was seeing. I am now 38 years old and in the best shape of my life. I look better than I ever have. Yes, EVER. More importantly, I feel better  I feel strong, something I never have felt. I've lost 16 lbs, so far. But I've gained confidence and a sense of self I've never had. Now it's just part of my life. My kids know "mommy has to exercise, let's move the furniture" I'm setting an example. And something else happened, literally just this week. And this is where it gets emotional for me.  For those of you who don't know, my youngest son has Down syndrome. With that comes low muscle tone and some delays in gross motor skills. He is 27 months old and cannot yet crawl, pull to stand, cruise or walk. He gets physical therapy once a week, along with 3 other therapies to help his development. I decides this week to let Eddie hang out while I workout, instead of waiting for his nap. And something amazing happened. Watching me is motivating HIM. He gets up on all fours, gets in plank position and tried his hardest to stand and crawl. I am crying as I write this. To think I could be that kind of motivation humbles me and also inspires me to keep going. If I can do it, of Eddie can do it, please believe that you can do it too.

Now, onto the reason I am blowing up your Facebook page with Beachbody information and programs. I want anyone who is watching my journey, saying to themselves "wow, she looks great, but I could NEVER do that" "I don't have the commitment she has" "where do you find the time and energy" to know that YES, you CAN do this. I was you. I let that little voice inside me have too much power. I want to help any and everyone I can to reach their fitness goals. To be that friend who is constantly pushing and encouraging, until the one day you say "FINE! I'll do it if it'll get you off my back". Because that is all it takes. I will nag and brag and promote and continue to blow up you Facebook feed because I believe in you! 

I Hate Down Syndrome

Yes. I hate it. I'm sitting here looking up the definition of IEP's. Thinking about having to take little
Eddie in just a couple months to be evaluated by the district for placement in the preschool at three.  Picturing him going through this process, physically makes me want to vomit. I had Dominick evaluated last year, so I know the process. That's the problem. I. Know. The. Process. I watched Dominick ace all the "tests". I will have to watch Eddie ... Watch him not even understand the questions. It's just so easy to be home with him, to keep him in my safe bubble. Out in the world, no. I'm not ready for that. I don't know if it's because I know I won't be able to be there at all times to protect him, or if it's because it will bring to the forefront how delayed he is. I'm so torn. Torn between worlds. My comfortable, safe world, where Eddie is just Eddie. And the scary real world where Eddie has Down syndrome.  Of course, Eddie always has Down syndrome, but Down syndrome in the real world is way different than Down syndrome in OUR world. Maybe that's just because neither Eddie nor I have been out in that scary real world yet. The world of IEPs and labels. The scary world of SCHOOL. I don't want him to be different. I don't want him to be judged. I don't even want IEPs or evaluations. I want him to be my baby Eddie and stay with me where he will always be safe. With me, he doesn't walk yet and it's ok! With me, he doesn't talk yet, and I don't care! With me, he's just Eddie. Out there. Out there he's a diagnosis. He's a list of things he's unable to do. So. Yes. I hate Down syndrome. But not the Down syndrome that lives in my house. The one that lives in the big scary world, full of labels, judgement and sometimes, ignorance.

I have a few months to mentally prepare for this next step in our journey. But for now. I'm not letting this angel out of my sight!!

Overwhelmed

So, it's been a long while since I've blogged. My life is so busy and crazy sometimes that I forget to pee and remember hours later. Yeah. That actually happened yesterday.
Something about the holidays is getting my emotions all stirred up. I feel like I'm constantly in panic mode lately. I could cry at the drop of a hat. When I get like this, two things happen: I get overwhelmed and become paralyzed and I start to dwell on the negative. Today I am feeling the reality that eddie is now two and still not bearing any weight on his legs. Eddie has to have therapies several times a week, and the scheduling of those therapies alone can send me into a tailspin, leaving me curled in a ball in my bed. With that thought comes immense guilt. The mommy guilt times a million. I just do not do enough for him. I should be on the floor with him, helping him, pushing him. Instead I am stuck in the mindset that he will do it when he's ready. Sure, that's partly true, but the reality is that he needs me. He needs to be constantly challenged and assisted in order to become strong enough to withstand his own weight. There are days, like today, where I feel like an awful mother. I think everyone thinks of me as this perfect mom because I am always posting about his accomplishments. The truth is, I may be a great mom, but I am far from perfect. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself. Maybe I'm not being hard enough. I need to suck up this feeling and kick my ass into gear again. Since our vacation to NY I have been stalled. Not only with Eddie, but my own fitness is being effected as well. I have lost the drive I had just a month ago. I keep saying I will start over in the new year. It's just an excuse to put off my own health and fitness. I just wish I knew what it is going to take to snap me out of this rut. Maybe putting it out into the world will do it. I could go on for days about all the other things taking up space in my mind and heart, but I'll leave it at that for now. Anyway. Say a little prayer for me, please.

Calling all friends and family!

I just want to quickly throw this out there, this may get long. I apologize in advance. Something happened tonight that got me thinking. I went 35+ years never knowing anyone with Down syndrome. I've heard of it, seen people with it, but it never had any connection to make with it emotionally. Obviously, that's changed, duh. And because of Eddie, those of you, my friends and family now DO HAVE that connection. You have a face to connect to, a smile that comes to mind, a tiny human being you can now relate to. An image of Eddie, so beautiful, pure, innocent and sweet to conjure up when someone mentions ds, or worse, tries to blindly make fun of. I have a very personal favor to ask of you all. Can you please help me advocate and stand up for kids like Eddie with Down syndrome or any special needs? I realize how it could easily roll off the backs of someone not affected or connected to someone like Eddie. But, that's not us anymore.  Eddie has changed everything for me. I'm no longer just a mommy. I'm a "special needs" mommy. I'm my sons first advocate, but hopefully not his only one. Eddie has given me more gifts and blessings than I dare to count. It makes me so happy that he can touch your life, in even the smallest way. So please help me spread the love!!  Eddie and I thank you!! 

It's been so long. (How long is it?)...

..that I forgot my blogs name!  That's pitiful.  I don't know why I wait so long in between posts.  Too much has happened.  I feel like I start every post with that exact sentence.  Oh well, let's just start with today and I will try to post once a week.  Once a month would even be better than what's been going on! 

So, what's going on?  Here's the thing...things must have been going pretty ok for me to have let 4 months fly by without writing.  When I am really stressed, that's when I need to write.  It clears my head.  Well, stressed is an understatement.  Even as I sit here my heart is palpitating.  I don't recognize myself.  I have lost all coping mechanisms. Maybe I never had any and I was just never this challenged?  Either way.  Dominick has become a monster child.  I love him more than words, but I do not love his recent behavior.  It's gotten so bad that I am having anxiety attacks several times a day.  He whines and cries all day.  He tries to control every single thing and situation, he REFUSES to nap, even tho he is exhausted, and now he has started throwing fits at bed time too. Ok, so we have had nap issues for a few months.  But, he always at least had quiet time in his room.  Never has it effected bedtime tho.  Until this week.  And when I say tantrums, I mean "should I call the doctor" kind of tantrums.  Stomach curdling, blood boiling, total insane patient screaming. Just flat out refusing to go to his room. I have never experienced such a thing in my life.  I have been bothering the hell out of my friends, between complaining, venting and begging for help, it's just out of control.  I don't know what happened, maybe it has something to do with his schedule going out of whack in NY (Although, does that also explain the controlling behavior?) I really think that the bedtime issue is also about him wanting to control every situation.  It's a lose lose scenario.  By 4-5pm this kid is so beyond tired that he is a walking zombie crazy person.  This is even before dinner.  By bedtime it's just mayhem.  No matter how I try to distract, coerce, bribe or trick him into going to bed, the moment we hit the stairs he starts.  Screaming, kicking, crying.  He cries so bad that he loses his voice, can't breathe and can barely open his eyes.  It's mind blowing.  It's driving me I N S A N E.  Man, just describing it doesn't do it justice.  I'm tempted to attach the video I took.  Yes, I took a video - to show him in 15 years!

Well, I started this blog this afternoon.  Of course I didn't have time to finish it, how dare even attempt to sit down for 5 minutes.  Anyway, after saying all that and getting myself all worked up in knots for two days, guess who went to bed without a hitch tonight? Peaceful as can be even.  I have to thank Dada for that tho.  It seems like we balance eachother out JUST right.  When I'm a knotted up ball of stress, he's as cool as a cucumber and vice versa.  (for the most part, the most important parts, anyway)  It's a good feeling knowing that I can lose my cool and somebody will bring me back to reality with just the right amount of patience and good humor.  Thank you, Love.

So, that's what's new on the Dominick front.  Here's what's doing with Baby Eddie:

He's AWESOME!! haha, seriously tho.  Just this week alone he has hit TWO milestones.  TWO.  He's sitting up unsupported *with just a pillow to catch him if he falls* Just today he's starting to really get his hands out to catch himself, which is huge. We've been working on this in therapy for a long time.  AND he's been crawling.  Well, ok, backwards, but it's so exciting to see him trying to reach for something.  Stinks that he's going the wrong way and gets frustrated because of it, still exciting and adorable tho! 

Also, coming in just 2+ months we have the Walk for Down Syndrome! So excited about this.  I am going to dedicate another post just to this and to our amazing friends, the Romero's.  We have been absolutely blessed to have found them and can't imagine taking this journey, or "walk" withouth them.  More to come on that.....

Wait, what the heck am I doing sitting here?!!? The house is silent as can be, I must go enjoy it.  Who knows how long it will last?!?!

Stickers Are Magic! And Dominick is OCD

Man, I really hate when I wait so long in between my blog posts.  I never know where to start.  So much happens around here daily that I just couldn't go thru them all.  Nor could I remember all of it if my life depended on it.  Seriously losing gobs of brain cells by the hour.  Sometimes, it's so bad, I can't even form a sentence when speaking to another adult.  My mind just goes blank.  It's an awful feeling!  I have aged years over the last 3 months.  I'm gaining weight and losing my mind, simultaneously.  But, of course, it's all worth it in the end.  So, enough about my dwindling brain cells and growing pants size.  On to some serious cuteness, starting with Baby Eddie. 

Baby Eddie is growing by leaps and bounds!  He is in the chubby faze.  So love this part of babyhood.  (babyhood?)  I remember Dominick going thru the same growth spurt.  Eddie's cheeks are all filled out, totally plump and juicy and ready to nibble.  Oh, and I nibble, let me tell you.  He is just honestly the most beautiful baby I've ever seen.  I'm not just saying that because he is mine, he really is gorgeous.  See, I know Dominick was .... well, let me just say NOT as beautiful as a baby? ha, he looked like a little monkey! SERIOUSLY. take a look:

See? I told you! Ha, I have no idea WHERE time went or HOW this little monkey turned into the screaming, tantrum throwing, whiney, yet totally handsome toddler that now rules my house, my sleep and my sanity.  It happened when I wasn't looking.  One day he was this little itty bitty, the next he was talking in sentences and using the potty!  What!?  Well, I guess I can now say it's official.  Dominick uses the potty like a big boy.  He hasn't had a pee pee accident in almost a week, his unders or pull ups stay totally dry and he uses the potty on his own when he feels the urge.  It's incredible to me.  I have only one thing to thank for this miracle.  STICKERS.  Holy heck, what is it about stickers that is so magical??? The first few days he would pee every 5 minutes, just to get that magical little sticker.  Or, maybe it was to watch Mommy make a total fool of herself as she danced around the kitchen like a maniac?  Perhaps a little of both.  These little pieces of gooey gold have also helped with getting in the car.  The process of loading the boys into the car became war time around here.  That is until I introduced the Yo Gabba Gabba "Be A Good Boy & Get In Your Damned Car Seat" chart.  All of a sudden, all I have to say is "you want a sticker? Then be a good boy and sit in your seat please" and it was like he would wake up from his tantrum coma and be that perfect little boy that got lost in there somewhere.  So, yeah, STICKERS ARE MAGIC!   And, yes, Dominick is OCD.  Well, not seriously.  I don't think, although, maybe? ha.  He has taken to a whole new form of...I don't know what, independence maybe?  Every single little task that needs to be done in this house has to first be attempted by Dominick.  If I try to, how dare I, close the refrigerator door, he will be throwing a tantrum behind me "DOMINICK DO IT!"  It was cute at first, now it's just out of control.  It's literally everything and totally exhausting.  Aside from that, his new thing is .... I can't even explain it.  If we are walking to the bathroom or from the bathroom, or anywhere he will have to go back to the furthest wall and "start" there.  Even if that's not where we started from.  It's kinda nutty, and again...exhausting!  I now am a step ahead of him and just automatically go back to the furthest wall before taking his hand to do anything.  This probably is just feeding into the nutso behavior, but it saves me a lot of tantrum throwing time. 

Look what happened, I was supposed to be talking about Eddie, and I totally went off babbling.  Eddie is doing great, I am so grateful for his health, oh and for his AWESOME sleep habits. Yay for sleeping thru the night since he was 2 months old!  Well, I've used up all my Mommy time, nap time is over for big boy, and just about to start for the itty bitty.

Thanks for stopping by!!
<3

The "r" Word

So much goes on in a day in my life, that to blog about it all would bore you to tears. Right now I just want to focus on something I can't seem to shake. The "r" word. Retard. Retarded. I've used this word so many times and never once thought a thing of it. Now, everything is different and I am having an internal conflict. I have slipped and used it even just today. As soon as it comes out of my mouth my heart sinks. The word has a whole new meaning now and part of me doesn't even want to accept it. I can't even decide if I'm actually offended by the word, or not. I've never said or meant it in an offensive way to someone with an actual disability and I've been wracking my brain trying to think of a similar word or phrase to compare it to. Maybe that's because I've never known anyone it actually applied to, in the literal sense. It's just something I say, without thought and without cruel intentions. I know that a lot of people, parents, in my shoes are so offended by it that they are outraged. Maybe they've just been at it longer than me? Maybe I just can't bring myself to admit that this could be true of my precious angel. Yeah, that's definitely it, or at least a huge part of it. More than huge. Denial. Denial. Denial. Does anyone mind if I live here, just a little longer? Thoughts? Opinions? Advice? Just a quick snippet of what goes on in my mind. I have the hubby home on a rare Wednesday night, so I'm gonna go back to hubby time.

2 Months and More Pictures!



Eddie @ 2 Months with Brobee for comparison

Let's reiterate: Baby Eddie is 2 months old!  I hardly believe it!  It feels like a lifetime and a nano-second all wrapped into one.  Now that he is smiling my heart is completely full of joy.  We had Eddie's 2 month well baby checkup yesterday.  He is doing great! Gaining weight and growing wonderfully!  Here are his "stats": 10lb 7oz & 22 3/4in.  I am trying hard not to compare him to his big brother, who at that age was 12+lbs and 24 in, but he's the only other baby I knew so intimately! Hey, I know, every baby is unique and they all grow at their own pace, still can't help but whip out Dominick's chart to compare.  One thing that I know is the same with my two boys: they are STRONG!  Eddie's Dr was very happy with his muscle tone.  He was showing tons of resistence, holding his head up, positioning his arms to lift his head from the belly and pushing back with his little leg muscles.  The Dr. made me feel very optimistic, saying that his tone is great and that he is going to be a strong boy.  He was talking about him someday playing sports, as if he had a choice there, Daddy has it all planned out already!  He said it is now our job to keep him strong and active (when he is mobile anyway) - to which Daddy replied "that's big brother's job" I look into the future with my boys now and see so many possibilities.  Nothing will ever hold either of my little guys back. 

Speaking of big brothers, I am thinking I may need to figure out how to make separate tabs, one for each of my boys because since Eddie was born I feel like Dominick is getting lost in the shuffle.  Well, not around here, but in my blog posts.  Around here he is VERY much the (shared) center of our universe.  He is talking up a storm, talking so much that he'd rather lay in his crib and talk to himself than nap.  I think he is just too smart for his own good.  My hunch is that he doesn't know how to turn his brain off long enough to rest it.  Looks like it'll be permanent early bedtime around here for him.  Hey, I am NOT complaining.  By 7pm I am ex*haust*ed and gladly welcome some peace and quiet *and a minute to pee would be nice too*... of course, flash forward to about an hour later and there I am on the couch, ipad in hand watching the videos I took that day because I miss the little booger.  Pathetic.

Nighttime around here is a little too easy actually, with the exception of juggling a newborn while trying to bath a 2 year old - that I still have yet to master - but actual bedtime routines are going well.  Baby Eddie is on a nightly Tubby*Massage*Swaddle routine, throw in a few bounces and pats on the butt, he's down for the count!  I've even transitioned him to his own crib.  WHAT?  I didn't do this with Dominick until he was 5 months old, but, hey if it works, work it!  He will stay asleep for a good 4-7 hours before he is looking for a midnight snack.  This gives Mommy time to - ugh - CLEAN THE KITCHEN!? Even with the much welcome time to myself at night, I still cannot relax with a dirty kitchen, not to mention living/playroom.  It seems by the time I sit down it's more like dropping like a load of bricks.  And I wouldn't change it for anything. 

Ok, that's my update for today!  But because I just love to take photos, I will leave you with a photo montage of a week in my life.  Enjoy :)

Happy Birthday Mama!

Sweet Dreams. Precious Angel

Pants. Off.  Dance.  Off.

Marker Time!

Sneaking A Seat In Big Brother's Chair!

Let's Go Giants! Letting A Very Overtired Boy Stay Up Late To Pound On Tables And Yell GIANTS At The Top Of His Lungs.  So Worth It!

Must Capture Every Sweet Moment Possible, They Go By Way Too Fast!

Sweetest Face

2 Months!

Today Baby Eddie is 2 months old.  Of course, being so busy all the time, I forgot to take his monthly picture.  I wonder where the days go, they just fly by.  Eddie is doing great!  He started smiling, the most beautiful smile I've ever seen.  I am not sure if that is the reason, but I have been feeling so upbeat and happy lately.  I am in a very positive state of mind.  Seeing this several times a day does not hurt:

 I look at that face and all my fears are just melted away.  I can handle anything that comes our way, as long as I have these eyes, that smile, those cheeks to look at every day.  I was taking full advantage of Dominick's nap time yesterday, spending valuable one on one time with Eddie.  I will do anything, say anything and make the most ridiculous sounds to coax that smile that I love so much out of him.  Sitting on the recliner I swear he and I had a conversation without words.  I would coo at him and make a silly face and he would look at me, almost into my heart and smile back at me. He was starting to move his mouth and make little cooing noises right back at me that just filled my heart with utter joy.  My fears had started to subside before this, but this conversation between my Eddie and me have absolutely absolved them completely.  He was looking at me and telling me how amazing and special he is.  Nothing else matters.  He is perfect, absolutely, the way he is.  He was brought to me, to us for a reason.  I know now more than ever that I will do ANYTHING for this little angel. I cannot wait to start therapies with him, to watch him grow and learn and flourish and to step up to the plate and challenge him in any way I can.  He is going to be brilliant!  He is going to be amazing, he already is.  I look to the future with hope and excitement now.  I cannot wait for the rest of our lives. 

Transition

Today was Day One of the rest of my life.  Reality has hit me hard.  Daddy went back to work last night, leaving us to fend for ourselves today while Daddy sleeps.  Done this a million times with Dominick, not a problem. . .today? Problem.  I feel like today lasted a hundred years.  A hundred AWFUL years.  I've been crying all day.  I am completely,  physically and emotionally exhausted.  I could sit here and give you the ins and outs of the day, but I'm sure you could imagine.  A teething 2 year old and a newborn.  Add to that our first trip out of the house, just the 3 of us = hysterical 4 week old and a temper tantrum in the pediatricians parking lot.  It was ugly and embarrassing.  But hey, it happens.  I know I am not the only new mother to 2 to have gone through something similar, I get that.  Today tho, today was not just that.  For some reason today, on top of all the typical, to be expected stress I have also been overwhelmed with grief.  Grief in so many forms I can't even process it.  I find myself returning to the Down Syndrome birth board for comfort then breaking down crying with the weight of it all.  I am stuck in this in between world.  I have yet to uncover my new reality.  I cannot help but fear the future.  As hard as I try to stay positive, I just can't let go of the pain in my heart.  I have had so many kind and amazing words from family, friends and even strangers to help me see that everything will be ok. I know it will.  My head does, my heart is still in denial. I love my little angel with all my heart.  Sometimes tho, like today,  I think back to just a few short weeks ago and I wish I could go back there, where things seemed so manageable and hopeful.  I would lay on the couch rubbing my baby belly and envision our whole lives.  Who did I think I was?  Now everything just feels so out of control and just flat out scary.  All these fears and feelings of grief have made today so much worse than it needed to be.  I try to imagine what today would have been like if we never got that diagnosis a few weeks ago.  Would it have been any less crazy, scary and frustrating.  The answer is yes, I would have been the old me, the one with all the patience in the world.  The old me that hasn't had to live with these scary emotions for the past month.  I would have been more than up for the challenge.  The new me, not so much.  Will I ever be that person again?  I feel terrible for even feeling that way.  I know, or I hope that someday soon I will look back on today (and probably tomorrow and the day after) and say "what was my problem"??  I long for that day, the day of acceptance and peace.  Until then I only find it in bits and pieces.  I am scared.  My heart hurts.  I never was very good at accepting change or letting go.  I wish I could just let it all go, accept one day at a time and find the patience I so desperately need right now, but today is not that day.  I suppose I need to give myself time to let things become normal, but the more I try to tell myself that, the more my heart hurts with the loss of what that normal was supposed to be.  I am grieving all over again.  Maybe this will happen in many stages.  Maybe every time something comes up that I had so foolishly thought I had mapped out I will feel like this.  I hope not.  I hope eventually these feelings of grief and mourning will pass.  Is it possible to have some sort of combination of the life I dreamed of and the one I am living?  I don't want this to sound like I love my son any less because I could not possibly love him more.  He is the sweetest little being you'll ever meet.  Just writing that made me feel better.  My homework assignment for tomorrow: Every time I feel a twinge of sadness I will look into my sweet baby's eyes or watch him sleep peacefully and let his light shine on me.  He deserves a Mommy who can be in the here and now, not in the could and would have been. 

My eyes hurt,  my head hurts, my heart hurts.  I will go rest them all now so I can be the Mommy I need to be tomorrow.  Wish me luck.

Quick Update

As much as I'd like to update my blog more often, time is not on my side.  I did want to post a quick update on Baby Eddie's cardiologist appointment tho.  We were, of course, very nervous and worried about this particular appointment.  I still feel pretty uninformed about everything regarding Down Syndrome.  I find myself looking at informational websites and zoning out.  It feels like my brain is unwilling to process most of the info.  As part of the Down Syndrome birth board on my baby site I do see a lot of heart issues, some of them requiring open heart surgery.  This was my biggest fear.  I am not going to pretend to know any of the medical details, I was only hoping that my itty bitty did not need any kind of major surgery.  That being said, here is what happened at our appointment. 

Our heart doctor is located at Phoenix Children's Hospital.  When we arrived I was amazed at how beautiful the hospital was.  There must have been 100 Christmas trees on each floor.  It was colorful and gorgeous.  The worst part, naturally, was seeing way too many sick babies and children.  No amount of Christmas trees and colorful couches can make that sight any easier to see.  Ok, back to Baby Eddie.  He got an EKG and an Echocardiogram.  He was a perfect angel for both tests, even fell asleep during the echo as I rubbed his head.  After the tests we waited for what seemed like hours to meet our doctor and get the test results.  When he did finally come in he took out his little heart model and proceeded to go over all the heart issues associated with DS.  I was trying to absorb the info he was giving us but was just so anxious to hear our results I couldn't.  Finally he tells us that Baby Eddie does have a hole in his heart.  (excuse me for lack of medical terms ~ I'm still learning here, barely) He showed us on his model heart where the hole was and says something to the effect that it's in a good spot.  It's not something that needs immediate attention and he even says there are likely people walking around with such a condition and living perfectly normal lives.  OK, I can now breathe.  Basically, the hole is not small, but not huge and all we need to do right now is keep an eye on it.  We go back in 4 months for another Echo.  It's possible that it could close on it's own, but not likely.  The doctor says if it doesn't close on it's own, he will have to have it closed surgically probably by the time he is 2. Scary, but he says the procedure to close his particular hole does not require open heart surgery.  Instead they would go in with a catheter thru a vein in his leg.  A much less invasive procedure. 

Obviously, this news is great.  I feel like every day gets easier for me.  So far all of his symptoms seems mild and manageable.  Our next big hurdle is finding out how much he will be affected mentally and starting physical therapy asap.  We are hoping he puts on some more ozs by next week when we take him in for a weighing. 

As far as his hearing, it seems like he is really reacting to sound much more than he was initially.  I wonder if there really was just fluid build up.  Hopefully the ENT can get a good reading in March when we go back.    Until then I am content knowing he can hear, even if it's just partially.  Side note, the night before last he was having a hard time breathing overnight and yesterday morning.  We were out food shopping, Dada and Dominick in the store, me and Eddie in the car.  He was so uncomfortable not being able to breathe so I took him out of his car seat and noticed a boogie.  I somehow managed to get a fingertip up his nose to pull out that stinker, well, it kept on coming.  I must have tickled his sinuses cuz as I was pulling it out he sneezed.  Well, let me tell you what came out of my baby's nose looked like something out of a sci-fi movie.  It was a huge, hard ---something.  It was black/green and the size of a peanut.  No wonder he couldn't breathe!!  As soon as that sucker was out he was breathing fine and fell asleep almost immediately.  But, what the heck was that thing!??!  Maybe it was something to do with the fluid in his ear?

Anyway, that's my "quick" update.  Dominick has 4 teeth coming in at once.  The sharp ones too (incisors?) so he is in a lovely mood today.  He is currently running around, jumping on the couch and whining the whole time.  Ah.  Help!!!!

Someone Has A Plan For Us

Wow, has it really only been a few days shy of 3 weeks since my precious little Baby Eddie was put on my chest and I looked into his beautiful, almond shaped eyes?  It's been a crazy and emotional couple weeks, probably the most emotionally trying days of my life.  And this is just the beginning of our journey.  Maybe I should start at the beginning....if only I knew where the that was.  Sure I do, the beginning of this particular journey that we have been chosen for started November 18th 2011 at 8:40 am.  The moment Baby Eddie breathed his first breathe.  After pushing all of one time (!!!!!) I was told that my baby was here! Really, one push? The nurse put him on my chest, umbilical cord still attached, goop and all and I immediately cried tears of wonder and joy.  He was perfect, so beautiful, so different than I imagined.  I had pictured a clone of his big brother, instead I got a gorgeous, fair skinned, light hair and light eyed angel.  Just as precious and perfect as his big brother.  He layed there on my chest, we nursed and cuddled for almost 2 hours before they finally took him to be weighed.  It was a miracle.  I will never forget having that precious bonding time with him.  I remember Daddy wondering "But, what does he weigh?" He was so eager to send out the text message with all the stats to all our friends and family.  Such a proud Daddy.  After that things just seemed to go sort of off track.  Daddy went home to get baby brother and bring him back to meet Baby Eddie, in the mean time it was just  Mama and Baby in the hospital room.  That's when the pediatrician came in to check on him.  I think I may have to take you on a trip back in time now, I didn't want to go there, but I think for this story to make sense I will have to.

Rewind to me pregnant about 13 weeks getting a sonogram, a sonogram that we got the same time for Dominick when they told us he was a boy.  That's what I was looking forward to, finding out if we were going to be blessed with another boy.  What I didn't really fully understand at the time was this particular sonogram was looking for signs of anything abnormal with the baby.  The NT scan.  I wasn't even really thinking along those lines, not until the tech said she saw a few "soft markers" for Down Syndrome.  She said the back of his neck, the nuchal fold, was thickened.  There was also a spot on his heart and his kidneys looked to be retaining more fluid.  I have to admit I was in total denial at this point.  We talked to the dr about our odds, I don't even remember what they were, only that they also took a blood test to give me a better picture of what our odds were.  After waiting  a few days for the blood results the dr called and gave me the odds, I don't remember what they were.  I was only focusing on one number.  He told me that based on my blood work, which came back great, along with the NT scan my chances of having a totally normal baby was 97%.  Those were some awesome odds, everything else he said I just didn't want to hear.  I was looking at that 97% as if it were a sure thing.    We went for a level II sonogram a few weeks later and there were no more markers, the kidneys looked good and we were sent to a cardiologist for the spot on the heart.  We got nothing but positive feedback from every dr we saw.  They all said everything looked great and they were nearly positive my baby would be perfectly healthy.  I spent the rest of my pregnancy convinced that they were right, even tho there was a slight chance that something could be wrong, the bigger odds were that all would be fine.  The blood work ruled out 2 out of 3 possible chromosonal disorders, the only one we had to worry about now was Down Syndrome.  The other 2 were described as really awful, I don't remember what they were called, but I was happy that they were ruled out nonetheless.  I didn't tell anyone about what I was going thru with these tests because I refused to believe that anything could possibly be wrong with my perfect little boy.  I decided I would focus on the positive, and hope that the drs were right and all would be fine.

Ok, now back to the future.  Baby Eddie and I are in the hospital room, waiting for Dada and Big Brother anxiously, when our pediatrician comes in to give Baby his first check-up.  She isn't our regular dr, just one from our practice who is doing the rounds that day.  So, when she brought up that she noticed the chance for Down Syndrome in our chart I sort of got annoyed at her.  Wait, who are YOU? Why are you even bringing this up right now?  I didn't say that, I just kind of shrugged her off - she said she would give him an exam and look for signs.  When she was done she said she saw a couple things that could point to DS.  His eyes were almond shaped (SO WHAT?)  He has a space between his toes (YEAH? SO, are YOUR toes perfect!!?) she mentioned something else that I just honestly did not hear.  I was at this point STILL in denial.  These things to me seemed completely unrelated to anything. So what if he has almond shaped eyes?  Seems so silly.  She even mentioned something about a blood test to get a definite diagnosis.  Again, I shrugged her off.  I sent her on her way and picked up my Baby Bundle, looked him over and decided she was wrong.  He was perfect.  He was beautiful.  I can't tell you how long I sat there looking at my sweet baby.  Then I hear something in the hall - it's big brother! YAY they're here!!  I completely forget about what the doctor said or that she was even ever here.  We introduce Baby Eddie to Dominick, I've envisioned this moment a hundred times.  Dominick's first reaction was "OOOH Boogie Bulb", which was in the baby's bassinet, he didn't even see the baby.  Ha.  Too funny.  We snap some pictures and ooh and aah at Baby and Big Brother.  We get a couple visitors.  Everything is perfect.  All the while Baby Eddie is sleeping.  He finally wakes up and Daddy is sitting with me when he says " I dunno hon, there's something with his eyes"  I immediately tense up.  What am I not seeing?  This is when I remember, Oh, yeah, the dr was in here.  I tell him that she mentioned that and that it could be a sign of DS.  Naturally, he was upset.  Why hadn't I told him earlier?? Why did he have to say something to be told such an important message?  I couldn't answer him.  I just didn't even want to consider it, I put it as far in the back of my mind as I could.  Then when he said that I realized "Shoot, maybe I should have told him this earlier!"  Ok, this is when things started getting very crazy for me.  Of course by this time the dr was gone and we had all these questions, well, not we, but Steve did.  I'm still not accepting this as a possibility.  Dominick and Daddy go home for nap leaving me with the Baby.  Honestly, I am not even sure what happened when at this point.  I know we were supposed to leave the next day, Saturday, at 11.  But when they take his biliruben (jaundice) levels it's too high for discharge and we have to now wait to be tested again at 6 pm.  In the mean time they give him a hearing test, which he fails.  Twice.  This is just all too much for me.  I am about to explode.  What is going on? Can my baby not hear me? Is he jaundice? Does he have.... no, this one I can't even bare to ask myself.  When the nurse comes in to tell me the dr wants me to wait for another biliruben test that evening I ask her if I could possibly speak to the dr again.  I want to ask her about the blood test, when it can be done, how long do the results take....The nurse tells me that the dr will tell me to call the office on Monday and is there anything she can answer....I reluctantly tell her my DS blood test question and say the dr said she saw a few signs of DS.  Then she tells me that she, the dr and the other nurses were discussing it (WHAT THE F!) and took notice of the signs too.  The signs that I am still to this day blind to.  How dare she and these other nurses be looking at my baby and making such accusations! I was so upset.  The nurse tells me that the blood test for DS is not taken at birth, but later on when the baby puts on some more weight to be able to withstand it.  I take her at her word, tell Steve what she says and we decide to wait and talk to our regular pediatrician Monday at his 2 day checkup.  Sheesh, I've been in the hospital for just one day and I am so ready to just go home.  Dominick is having trouble sleeping without me and I just want to go home and be a family of 4 already!!  Now, finally 6pm rolls around and the nurse takes my baby for his 2nd biliruben test.  It comes back just slightly out of the risky zone and the nurse tells me to start packing!  I text Steve to come get us!  I'm so excited to get the hell out of that place.   I go into the bathroom to start changing and she comes back in saying "I hope you haven't called your husband yet"  The dr wants to keep baby overnight and check his levels again in the morning.  Um, NO!  We are leaving.  I call Steve and first thing I hear is Dominick in the background singing "Mama, Baby" over and over, he is so happy we are coming home.  I breakdown.  I'm hysterical on the phone, Steve is threatening to go all "John Q" and take me out home regardless of what the dr says.  Now the nurse come back in and says she called the dr and she said I can go home.  Ok, this is just all too much for me.  My head is spinning.  Steve and Dominick show up a little while later and we are all very eager to make our escape, it's now almost 9pm.  I was such a mess that I didn't even change Baby Eddie into his Coming Home Outfit that I spent months fretting over.  The car ride home was AWFUL.  Dominick next to the Baby trying to poke his eyes.  When that doesn't fly he decides he wants to throw a foot in the Baby's seat.  I try to reason with him, no go.  I try everything...nothing works and we both just end up hysterical in the backseat.  We pull up to our house and all I can think of as I cry my eyes out is "What is going on?" "This is not the homecoming I dreamed of"  That night didn't get much better.  Dominick was in rare form, he was as bad as he's ever been.  This is to be expected, of course, but we are both just so emotionally exhausted that it is amplified.  Nothing is certain at this point and all we can do is wait to see the Dr Monday.

Monday:  The Dr comes in, looks the baby over and asks if we have any concerns. . . um, yeah.  So we bring up the dreaded words that I can't even say.  He looks him over again and says he sees a few signs of DS and would like to order the blood test.  I mention that the nurse said it can't be done now, that he is too small.  Well, he was not happy to hear that.  He said she lied to me.  I'd like to believe that she was just misinformed, but that doesn't make it much better.  The important this is we can get the test done ASAP, as in NOW.  We leave the dr's office in shock.  Crying all the way home, pretty much crying for the next 10 days straight.  10 days.  That's how long we had to wait for the results.  This was Monday, we had to celebrate Thanksgiving not knowing and then still wait another week on top of that.  I spent these days in a fog.  I refused to do any online research, I didn't want to scare myself for no reason.  Let's wait for the good news then we can go on with our life without this weight on our shoulders and our hearts.  Every moment of the day felt like a week long.  I cried every night and tried to stay positive during the day for Dominick.  I didn't want him to see me upset, although it did happen a couple times. 

Thursday:  We drop off Dominick at Mama Mona's house, he has proven that he can not sit still in his stroller for more than 3 seconds and we just wanted to be able to get the results without having to worry about him.  Thank God for Mama Mona~!  We arrive early to the dr's office.  On our way in an adorable, bubbly little girl comes running down the corridor . . . she had Down Syndrome.  I turn and look at Steve and something in my heart broke.  I felt this was some kind of sign. We waited for the dr for what felt like hours.  When he came into the room my heart stopped and I looked down at my sleepy little Angel, all wrapped up in his blanky in nothing but a diaper - he needs me.  He needs me to be strong for him.  This is the moment that will define the rest of our lives.  Baby Eddie has Down Syndrome.  It's confirmed.  At first I am numb.  Then the dr starts talking about his other patients, one of them being the little 5 year old girl we just saw running toward us down the corridor.  He tells us we will need to start therapy as early as 6 months, if not earlier.  He tells us he has a few DS patients and each one varies in their strengths and weaknesses.  The 5 year old is his more "normal" patient.  She runs and plays and loves to go to the park.  He also has an 18 month old who can't hold his own weight.  Then there's the 13 year old who can't, or was it won't? speak.  We won't know what Eddie's strengths or weaknesses are for a long time.  There is no way to detect what this syndrome will effect.  This is the hardest part for me.  Until we know we have to treat him as normal as possible.  And he is normal, he's a newborn - itty bitty little boy who needs nothing more than to be fed, changed and loved.  That part I CAN handle.  Today we had an appt with the ENT, they could not get a reading on his ears because his ear canals are so tiny.  So for now we still don't really know how much he can hear.  We have to wait 3 months and hope it's just fluid that made him fail his first 3 tests.  The third test showed that he could hear from his right ear and about 50% from the left.  Today they say there was no reading in each.  I am hoping that it was again just that his canals are so little.  I mean, can you hear one day then not the next? Monday we go to the heart doctor to check his tiny heart.  I will hold my breathe until then - pray and cry and plea that there is no hole and no other complications.  I cannot bare the thought of my baby getting Open Heart Surgery like so many Down syndrome babies have to have. 

I have joined a DS board for support and it's been really good, but some days I just can't even read other peoples stories.  It makes it too real.  I am still very much in the middle of the process of acceptance.  I go thru so many emotions every day that I can barely keep up with myself.  Some days I am so overwhelmed with grief that I don't even want to get out of bed.  Then the next I feel like everything will be ok and I can do this.  I can, I know I can.  We can, together as a family.  I feel guilty for feeling sorry for myself.  I feel terrible for feeling like I was robbed of this dream I had.  My two boys - playing sports together, going to high school together.  I thought for sure they would be like twins.  All of that has been taken from me.  I know that the alternative, the reality of what my boys will be like together will be just as special, I know that in my heart...I'm just still in the process of letting that little boy go. 

The future for me right now is a scary place.  So scary that I can just lose it thinking about it.  So, for now I will follow the advice of many amazing friends and family.  One day at a time.  Concentrate on getting through today, tomorrow can wait. 

The Turkey Has A Name!!

Edward Lawrence

Well, it's official! We have decided on the perfect name for our little Turkey.  This is after much (much) debate.  Funny, it was pretty much staring us in the face the whole time!  We were originally going to have his middle name Edward, then it just came to us.  Edward will be his first name!  Edward Lawrence!

A little history on Dominick's name to show you why it all of a sudden fit so perfectly for me.  Dominick is named after Steve's brother, Nicholas.  Which is why I call him Nicky sometimes.  Also, his middle name is my dad's name, Robert.  So, when we finally came up with Edward Lawrence it all fit into place.  Now baby number 2 will be named after MY brother and Steve's Dad.  It's perfect.  It's more than perfect!  My brother has been more of a father to me than my father was ever able to.  He has been there for me in so many ways since the very day I was born.  He protected me, cared for me, made sure I was fed and loved when sometimes no body else could.  It is only fitting to honor that love and devotion by passing on his name to my son.  I will be absolutely sure to tell little Eddie (hehe) why he was named after his awesome Uncle, and it's not JUST because he IS awesome, but because he is and was so much more than that to me. 

I cannot wait to meet my little Eddie, all I can think of these past few days is how my Mama used to sing to my brother "Eddie, My Love" and I just know that will be passed down, even tho I don't actually know the song.  I guess I'll have to look into that!  Soon enough he will be here with us and I just know he will be perfect.  

Starting To Panic!

So, Sunday I will be 32 weeks pregnant with my L'il Turkey.  32 weeks, that right there is enough to make any normal person panic...right? Well, I was just sitting here thinking about everything that will happen and has to happen within the next 2 + months. OK, I am making my heart pound just thinking about it.  Now, bare with me here because I think I may need to make a quick list.  Feel free to bail if you want, I think I am doing this more for my own mommy/pregnant brain than for your entertainment anyway. If I don't write it down somewhere, something is liable to get missed! AAAH

• Pick out and order nursery furniture
• Pick out colors and paint nursery
• Decorate (curtains and misc) nursery
• Go thru all Dominick's old clothes, separating by size then wash them all  (this one is totally stressing me out)
• Brainstorm on a costume for Dominick
• Order/Buy said costume
• Find the PERFECT coming home outfit for the Turk
• Order Dominick's 2nd birthday party supplies, if I do it before Oct 7th I think I get 30% off!!
• Maybe, probably not, decorate for Halloween
• Shop for last minute baby supplies (mostly just pump accessories and new Baba's and nipples)
• After Turkey comes order Birth Announcements
• Christmas and 2nd Birthday shopping 

AAAAAH!  Oh, and maybe picking out a name for this little guy should make it on the list, eh?  Actually, I may have chosen his name today, but I have to wait for Steve to wake up to discuss it.  I am fairly optimistic that he will like it.  Or, at the very least, not HATE it.

OK, I need to take a deep breathe here and relax, all these things will get done....right? 

Now, from Baby #2 to Baby #1 . .  . Ah, what to say.  He is the best friend I've ever had, the light and sunshine of my every day (and night)  I am absolutely amazed by him at least 100 times a day.  He is saying, learning and doing something new constantly.  It's such a gift to be able to watch him learning and growing.  Of course, I am convinced he is THE SMARTEST 21 month old to ever live, but, I haven't really known too many 21 month olds, to be honest.  I am always saying to myself, and often out loud to whomever will listen "Did you see that?"  "OMG, he is so smart" "Wait, is he supposed to KNOW that already?"  He can put all his alphabets puzzle letters in their correct spots, just by me saying the word associated with it (B is for Basket)!  Ok, so that's normal? Maybe, who cares, he's awesome!!  The other day (and I have a witness) he picked up the G and said Grapes! I was like WHOA.  Well, you get the gist of it, I'm the proudest Mama in the world.  He cracks me up with his little dances and hysterical faces, he's definitely quirky, and I love it!

Break time is over, the prince has awaken from his nap.  Wish me luck on my To Do list! I just know I will think of at least 10 more things before I go to bed tonight!

Oh Dis!

Sitting here, watching A Nightmare Before Christmas and watching my little boy - who could ask for more.  He is dumping all his books and putting them back, saying "Elmo" or "Yo Gabba Gabba", naming every book he puts back.  It's the little things that really get to me. He is so smart.  He does something and says something new every single day and every single day I love and adore him more! Yesterday he said brother for the first time!  I truly can't wait to see how he will react to the new baby.  I know he will want to help with everything and be involved.  He is becoming such a big boy right before my eyes!

Speaking of the new baby, we are still having a very hard time thinking of a name for him!  We have a little joke now that developed over the weekend - the joke being naming him OTIS. hahaha.  Ok, let me explain.  Dominick's catch phrase at the moment is "Oh Dis!" (Oh This!?) as he points to new things.  So we are always saying, "Oh Dis" to eachother and giggling cuz it's just so stinkin' cute how he says it.  Well, in one of the catrillion elevators we were in in Vegas we saw the name "Otis" and when we said it out loud we both started cracking up.  Dominick would already know how to say his name.  Haha.  Ok, maybe it's more funny to us?  Otis Oh Dis! hahaah. 

When I planned on writing this blog post I really thought I had more to say...but, it's kind of hard to concentrate with a little monkey climbing all over you. Looks like it's time to read a few books-says the boss!  More to come!

In The Arms Of The Angels

Ah, time seems to be flying!  Here I am 22 weeks pregnant! 22 WEEKS!? I guess it feels so much faster because, well, because I'm having FUN! Dominick keeps me well entertained.  He has started spewing out new words daily, repeating almost everything I say.  He seems to really love the process too, I can just see how proud of himself he is when he says something new.  Not as proud as me of course, but really who could even compete?  That's not to say it's all been fun and games.  We went through a slight rough patch there last week.  I will admit, I was terrified it would be more than a phase and just a new way of life around here.  But, we're talking about Dominick here.  Mr. Adaptable.  He just out of nowhere decided that he would NOT go to sleep without me holding him or at least sitting next to his crib.  I have no idea where or why it started, but it just came on like lightning!  I spent the whole week trying to diagnose the situation, not being able to wrap my brain around it, until I finally took him to the Dr. to rule out any illness or teething.  As I suspected, nothing was physically wrong with him.  He was just testing his limits.  It took 2 days to get him back on track, but boy oh boy, those few days of guessing and crying were torture.  I really appreciate how well he sleeps even more now. I don't know how you Mamas out there function on little to no sleep.  I was a basket case!  Nevertheless, he is back to himself now, going right down to sleep.  He has decided to start waking up a little earlier, but not quite consistently.  Can't complain about that tho, I am just so grateful to have my happy little sleeper back!

In other news, my skin still gets goosebumps thinking about it, yesterday Dominick did something that just baffled my brain.  (If you've read all this already on facebook, feel free to shut me down.  I won't be offended)  We were hanging out, watching TV when the ASPCA commercial came on, you know, the really super sad one with Sarah McClaughlin's In The Arms Of The Angels playing in the background?  Well, I usually change the station immediately, especially nowadays.  Yesterday I couldn't get to the remote fast enough and by the time I did Dominick was just dancing and singing his little heart out.  He LOVED that song.  I'm not sure why, but he really has a thing for slow, sappy songs.  Not sure where he gets THAT (ehem).  So, immediately I turn my head away from the TV and start dancing and singing right along with him.  He makes me rewind the thing about 3 times. (more! more! more!) Finally I see him struggling with the words "Angel" so I keep singing the song and emphasizing the angel part.  And what does this little munchkin do? He goes over to my end table and points to a picture of my Mommy. Now, he didn't just point TOWARDS the picture, it was turned half way around, he went to it, turned it the right way and pointed right at her, even made sure I was looking.  Now....ok, I totally believe she is around watching over him and all of us.  This is no surprise to me.  The surprise is HOW DOES HE KNOW SHE'S AN ANGEL?  I still can't quite comprehend the magnitude of it all.  Has he seen her? I've never referred to her as an angel or anything other than Grandma.  Was it just an intuitive sort of thing?  Maybe he just read my mind, since that song is a song that has always brought me to tears - thinking of my Mom.  Either way, I cannot get over it.  Maybe he is reading my mind, my Mom used to always tell me that I could read her mind.  So strange.  I really wish she were here to share that story with.  She'd totally get a kick out of it!  I guess she IS here in a sense.

Anyway, I've bored you enough.  Time to make grilled cheeses!!!

I Had To Take A Pause . .. But I'm Back

Well, it's been a while since my last post.  I've been in a bit of a funk.  I couldn't see how I could sit here and write about anything good when my heart was hurting so much.  It still hurts, and most likely will forever, but I can finally breathe a little bit and start to move on.  I know some people would say "oh, it's just a dog", but they'd be wrong.  Reggie was more than JUST a dog to me.  He came into my life within a month of my Mommy dying and he helped me to heal that wound.  And that was just the beginning.  He was there with me through so much more.  I won't bore you all with long winded stories.  Just saying that he wasn't just a dog to me, he was part of me.  I can't remember my life before him and I am still having a very difficult time adjusting to a life without him.  Anyway, I am going to focus on positive things, and there is nothing more positive in my life that my little munchkin man!

I'm sure you saw the video I posted of Dominick finally saying Yo Gabba Gabba, his favorite thing in the world.  I thought it'd never happen!  Although, I have to admit I miss his signature hands waving in the air to tell me he wanted to watch it.  I wish he'd do both, but I guess he has no use for silly hand gestures anymore. 

Aside from Ba Dabba Dabba, he is also saying something new every day!  I am so proud of him.  Last night I asked him what song he wanted to hear, I always ask him this, but last night I got an ANSWER!!  He actually answered me!  It was crazy!  He said "Baby" which could only mean one thing, Rockabye Baby.  My heart was bursting with pride and happiness at that moment!  Not that he's ever had any difficulties communicating what he wants, but to hear his tiny little adorable voice say the word was like music.  I even got a sort of full sentence at lunch yesterday! He said "Mama (pause) More (pause) Nana"  I was like WHOA!  haha.  Ok, I know, I'm a dork.  But watching him grow and learn right before my eyes has been the absolute purpose of my life.  I know this with all my heart. I will be grateful to be this little boy's Mama for the rest of my life, and I'll make sure he knows it!! Poor kid.