I Hate Down Syndrome

Yes. I hate it. I'm sitting here looking up the definition of IEP's. Thinking about having to take little
Eddie in just a couple months to be evaluated by the district for placement in the preschool at three.  Picturing him going through this process, physically makes me want to vomit. I had Dominick evaluated last year, so I know the process. That's the problem. I. Know. The. Process. I watched Dominick ace all the "tests". I will have to watch Eddie ... Watch him not even understand the questions. It's just so easy to be home with him, to keep him in my safe bubble. Out in the world, no. I'm not ready for that. I don't know if it's because I know I won't be able to be there at all times to protect him, or if it's because it will bring to the forefront how delayed he is. I'm so torn. Torn between worlds. My comfortable, safe world, where Eddie is just Eddie. And the scary real world where Eddie has Down syndrome.  Of course, Eddie always has Down syndrome, but Down syndrome in the real world is way different than Down syndrome in OUR world. Maybe that's just because neither Eddie nor I have been out in that scary real world yet. The world of IEPs and labels. The scary world of SCHOOL. I don't want him to be different. I don't want him to be judged. I don't even want IEPs or evaluations. I want him to be my baby Eddie and stay with me where he will always be safe. With me, he doesn't walk yet and it's ok! With me, he doesn't talk yet, and I don't care! With me, he's just Eddie. Out there. Out there he's a diagnosis. He's a list of things he's unable to do. So. Yes. I hate Down syndrome. But not the Down syndrome that lives in my house. The one that lives in the big scary world, full of labels, judgement and sometimes, ignorance.

I have a few months to mentally prepare for this next step in our journey. But for now. I'm not letting this angel out of my sight!!