Enough is Enough

It's been a rough few months for me. One of the things I've learned about myself in my 39 years is that I have a REALLY hard time letting go. People who get into my heart, that I love unconditionally, don't get out easily. Not on my end anyway. I've experienced this kind of emotional anguish over men (boys, really)  in the past, but only one other time has my heart been so broken. This time though, it wasn't a boyfriend that I broke up with, it was a best friend. Luckily for me, I'm in an extremely stable place in my life. I have a husband that has proven in this time that HE is my one and only true best friend. Through this difficult time it seems our relationship has grown 100 fold. His support, his shoulder (that I've cried on more times than I care to admit) his caring for me and belief in me have truly gotten me through the past 4 months. Not only that but, i have my kids. Let's face it, having kids can distract you from anything. They are all consuming. I thank God for them!

Over the past 4 months I've gone through so many emotions: hurt, loss, betrayal, denial, anger and sadness. I've felt them all before. I'm no stranger.

 What's different now is my body. I've spent the last 2 years building my body and soul through health and fitness. I've taken great pride in myself and my accomplishments. Losing 20 lbs, exercising for the first time in my life, empowering myself and gaining confidence like I've never known.  And just like that <poof> it's all gone. Ok, not all. I've managed to start a new program, I started off great, but I lost it after 4 weeks. I tried and tried and I'm still trying to get back on track. I just can't seem to find my groove again.

Then this past week I had a realization. When I started this fitness journey I was in a fairly good place in my life. A stable place. Sure, I had some emotions still swirling around with Eddie's diagnosis, but setting an example and seeing how it inspired him fueled my fire. It launched me to success. It was easy for me to quickly and drastically change my diet, begin a program that I loved and watch the weight fall off. I was happy then. I had it all. I had support coming out my ears. This is the first time in 2 years since starting my journey that I've been hit with a major set back. A heartache that I don't even know how to categorize. I never classified myself as an emotional eater. Not until now. Now, all bets are off.  I'm learning that I AM an emotional eater. I'm an emotional face stuffer. I'm an emotional coach potato. I'm in an emotional hurricane and food is in the eye of the storm.  I feel completely overpowered by my urges then when I'm eating crap I brush it off. Who cares. I have a husband who loves me. I'm a great mom. I'm a good person.

But I care. I care because now I know how it feels to be healthy.  And I don't feel healthy now. I feel lazy. I feel bloated. I feel lethargic. I feel heavy in the belly and bum, as well as the heart.  I've gotten sick for 2 weeks straight, followed immediately by a bladder infection. Enough is enough.

I know, logically, that once I start drinking more water and eating clean I will start to feel better emotionally, I'll  have more energy for my workouts, I'll feel lighter. I will be able to heal quicker, both physically and emotionally. I know this. But somehow I'm paralyzed.

I don't know if this was the "reason" behind the heartache I had to go through to get here. If it's to make me a better coach, one who understands on a much more emotional level than I ever could have before. But it sure feels that eat. Relating to people, especially people I coach, is extremely important to me. I know that just having that first hand experience will help me help someone else. Even if it's just one other person. That's why I'm writing this tonight. To say it again, enough is enough. I'm taking a stand. I'm starting a new clean eating plan. And I won't let any thing, any one or any situation stop me. Maybe, like most of the really hard lessons in my life, I'll have to do it alone. That's ok. I know I can. I've been through worse and I've survived.

If you can relate to any of this. Please don't hesitate to contact me. I'd like to think of myself a pretty good listener. Just reach out.

Thanks for listening and thank you for your continued support. XO

Why I Became A Beachbody Coach

As most of you are aware, I've been on a journey to get fit. Even just a year ago I never would have believed those words were to come out of my mouth. It happened out of nowhere. One day I decided to finally join a friend at a local "boot camp", after quite a few months of saying "no, thanks" about a hundred times. I don't know what made this day any different, other than my slight curiosity. Boot camp sounded scary, but I wanted to give it a try. I'll be honest. The first day I nearly threw up - 3 times. I would have quit if it weren't for my friends pushing me and encouraging me. I was 37 years old and had literally NEVER exercised a day in my life. I thought I was going to die by the end of the hour. But something else happened, I felt proud of myself. I felt motivated and challenged. Why was I telling myself I couldn't do it for so many years? That was IT I was doing this. I was gonna make a go of it and see if I could actually get results. I stuck with the boot camp, tweaked my diet a bit & cut out soda and drank only water - and I lost I think 2 pounds the first WEEK!  Yeah I was in this now. Except...boot camp wasn't easy for me to do with my husbands work schedule and two littles. At the same time that I started this journey, my husband started doing the Insanity workouts at work with his co workers. He would come home and tell me how it was kicking his ass. I'd say "I want to try" (still can't believe those words came out of my mouth). I was feeling strong by this time and I wanted to take him and Insanity ON!  He brought home the DVD for me and that is what REALLY started my Beachbody journey. A few things happened after my first day of Insanity 1) I almost died. Like I thought I was going to literally die after the first fit test ha 2) I didn't die, but I gained an immense sense of strength and empowerment. 3) I made a commitment. I promised myself I would complete the program.   And I did! Sure, I hit a few bumps in the road, missing a workout here and there, but 95% of the time I pushed play. My husband never completed it, he never even made it to the second phase! Ha! This just added fuel to the fire. I WILL DO THIS!  The day I finally completed Insanity was honestly one of the proudest days of my life.  By this point I had heard about Shaun T's (who my son calls "mamas boyfriend") new workout Focus T 25. My obsession with fitness has now been established and my love for Shaun T carried me to the next phase. I started T25. I LOVED IT. I was used to 60+ minutes every day, but this one was only 25!  Done. I continued to stay committed to myself and my health. I was officially addicted to the results I was seeing. I am now 38 years old and in the best shape of my life. I look better than I ever have. Yes, EVER. More importantly, I feel better  I feel strong, something I never have felt. I've lost 16 lbs, so far. But I've gained confidence and a sense of self I've never had. Now it's just part of my life. My kids know "mommy has to exercise, let's move the furniture" I'm setting an example. And something else happened, literally just this week. And this is where it gets emotional for me.  For those of you who don't know, my youngest son has Down syndrome. With that comes low muscle tone and some delays in gross motor skills. He is 27 months old and cannot yet crawl, pull to stand, cruise or walk. He gets physical therapy once a week, along with 3 other therapies to help his development. I decides this week to let Eddie hang out while I workout, instead of waiting for his nap. And something amazing happened. Watching me is motivating HIM. He gets up on all fours, gets in plank position and tried his hardest to stand and crawl. I am crying as I write this. To think I could be that kind of motivation humbles me and also inspires me to keep going. If I can do it, of Eddie can do it, please believe that you can do it too.

Now, onto the reason I am blowing up your Facebook page with Beachbody information and programs. I want anyone who is watching my journey, saying to themselves "wow, she looks great, but I could NEVER do that" "I don't have the commitment she has" "where do you find the time and energy" to know that YES, you CAN do this. I was you. I let that little voice inside me have too much power. I want to help any and everyone I can to reach their fitness goals. To be that friend who is constantly pushing and encouraging, until the one day you say "FINE! I'll do it if it'll get you off my back". Because that is all it takes. I will nag and brag and promote and continue to blow up you Facebook feed because I believe in you! 

I Hate Down Syndrome

Yes. I hate it. I'm sitting here looking up the definition of IEP's. Thinking about having to take little
Eddie in just a couple months to be evaluated by the district for placement in the preschool at three.  Picturing him going through this process, physically makes me want to vomit. I had Dominick evaluated last year, so I know the process. That's the problem. I. Know. The. Process. I watched Dominick ace all the "tests". I will have to watch Eddie ... Watch him not even understand the questions. It's just so easy to be home with him, to keep him in my safe bubble. Out in the world, no. I'm not ready for that. I don't know if it's because I know I won't be able to be there at all times to protect him, or if it's because it will bring to the forefront how delayed he is. I'm so torn. Torn between worlds. My comfortable, safe world, where Eddie is just Eddie. And the scary real world where Eddie has Down syndrome.  Of course, Eddie always has Down syndrome, but Down syndrome in the real world is way different than Down syndrome in OUR world. Maybe that's just because neither Eddie nor I have been out in that scary real world yet. The world of IEPs and labels. The scary world of SCHOOL. I don't want him to be different. I don't want him to be judged. I don't even want IEPs or evaluations. I want him to be my baby Eddie and stay with me where he will always be safe. With me, he doesn't walk yet and it's ok! With me, he doesn't talk yet, and I don't care! With me, he's just Eddie. Out there. Out there he's a diagnosis. He's a list of things he's unable to do. So. Yes. I hate Down syndrome. But not the Down syndrome that lives in my house. The one that lives in the big scary world, full of labels, judgement and sometimes, ignorance.

I have a few months to mentally prepare for this next step in our journey. But for now. I'm not letting this angel out of my sight!!

Overwhelmed

So, it's been a long while since I've blogged. My life is so busy and crazy sometimes that I forget to pee and remember hours later. Yeah. That actually happened yesterday.
Something about the holidays is getting my emotions all stirred up. I feel like I'm constantly in panic mode lately. I could cry at the drop of a hat. When I get like this, two things happen: I get overwhelmed and become paralyzed and I start to dwell on the negative. Today I am feeling the reality that eddie is now two and still not bearing any weight on his legs. Eddie has to have therapies several times a week, and the scheduling of those therapies alone can send me into a tailspin, leaving me curled in a ball in my bed. With that thought comes immense guilt. The mommy guilt times a million. I just do not do enough for him. I should be on the floor with him, helping him, pushing him. Instead I am stuck in the mindset that he will do it when he's ready. Sure, that's partly true, but the reality is that he needs me. He needs to be constantly challenged and assisted in order to become strong enough to withstand his own weight. There are days, like today, where I feel like an awful mother. I think everyone thinks of me as this perfect mom because I am always posting about his accomplishments. The truth is, I may be a great mom, but I am far from perfect. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself. Maybe I'm not being hard enough. I need to suck up this feeling and kick my ass into gear again. Since our vacation to NY I have been stalled. Not only with Eddie, but my own fitness is being effected as well. I have lost the drive I had just a month ago. I keep saying I will start over in the new year. It's just an excuse to put off my own health and fitness. I just wish I knew what it is going to take to snap me out of this rut. Maybe putting it out into the world will do it. I could go on for days about all the other things taking up space in my mind and heart, but I'll leave it at that for now. Anyway. Say a little prayer for me, please.

Calling all friends and family!

I just want to quickly throw this out there, this may get long. I apologize in advance. Something happened tonight that got me thinking. I went 35+ years never knowing anyone with Down syndrome. I've heard of it, seen people with it, but it never had any connection to make with it emotionally. Obviously, that's changed, duh. And because of Eddie, those of you, my friends and family now DO HAVE that connection. You have a face to connect to, a smile that comes to mind, a tiny human being you can now relate to. An image of Eddie, so beautiful, pure, innocent and sweet to conjure up when someone mentions ds, or worse, tries to blindly make fun of. I have a very personal favor to ask of you all. Can you please help me advocate and stand up for kids like Eddie with Down syndrome or any special needs? I realize how it could easily roll off the backs of someone not affected or connected to someone like Eddie. But, that's not us anymore.  Eddie has changed everything for me. I'm no longer just a mommy. I'm a "special needs" mommy. I'm my sons first advocate, but hopefully not his only one. Eddie has given me more gifts and blessings than I dare to count. It makes me so happy that he can touch your life, in even the smallest way. So please help me spread the love!!  Eddie and I thank you!! 

It's been so long. (How long is it?)...

..that I forgot my blogs name!  That's pitiful.  I don't know why I wait so long in between posts.  Too much has happened.  I feel like I start every post with that exact sentence.  Oh well, let's just start with today and I will try to post once a week.  Once a month would even be better than what's been going on! 

So, what's going on?  Here's the thing...things must have been going pretty ok for me to have let 4 months fly by without writing.  When I am really stressed, that's when I need to write.  It clears my head.  Well, stressed is an understatement.  Even as I sit here my heart is palpitating.  I don't recognize myself.  I have lost all coping mechanisms. Maybe I never had any and I was just never this challenged?  Either way.  Dominick has become a monster child.  I love him more than words, but I do not love his recent behavior.  It's gotten so bad that I am having anxiety attacks several times a day.  He whines and cries all day.  He tries to control every single thing and situation, he REFUSES to nap, even tho he is exhausted, and now he has started throwing fits at bed time too. Ok, so we have had nap issues for a few months.  But, he always at least had quiet time in his room.  Never has it effected bedtime tho.  Until this week.  And when I say tantrums, I mean "should I call the doctor" kind of tantrums.  Stomach curdling, blood boiling, total insane patient screaming. Just flat out refusing to go to his room. I have never experienced such a thing in my life.  I have been bothering the hell out of my friends, between complaining, venting and begging for help, it's just out of control.  I don't know what happened, maybe it has something to do with his schedule going out of whack in NY (Although, does that also explain the controlling behavior?) I really think that the bedtime issue is also about him wanting to control every situation.  It's a lose lose scenario.  By 4-5pm this kid is so beyond tired that he is a walking zombie crazy person.  This is even before dinner.  By bedtime it's just mayhem.  No matter how I try to distract, coerce, bribe or trick him into going to bed, the moment we hit the stairs he starts.  Screaming, kicking, crying.  He cries so bad that he loses his voice, can't breathe and can barely open his eyes.  It's mind blowing.  It's driving me I N S A N E.  Man, just describing it doesn't do it justice.  I'm tempted to attach the video I took.  Yes, I took a video - to show him in 15 years!

Well, I started this blog this afternoon.  Of course I didn't have time to finish it, how dare even attempt to sit down for 5 minutes.  Anyway, after saying all that and getting myself all worked up in knots for two days, guess who went to bed without a hitch tonight? Peaceful as can be even.  I have to thank Dada for that tho.  It seems like we balance eachother out JUST right.  When I'm a knotted up ball of stress, he's as cool as a cucumber and vice versa.  (for the most part, the most important parts, anyway)  It's a good feeling knowing that I can lose my cool and somebody will bring me back to reality with just the right amount of patience and good humor.  Thank you, Love.

So, that's what's new on the Dominick front.  Here's what's doing with Baby Eddie:

He's AWESOME!! haha, seriously tho.  Just this week alone he has hit TWO milestones.  TWO.  He's sitting up unsupported *with just a pillow to catch him if he falls* Just today he's starting to really get his hands out to catch himself, which is huge. We've been working on this in therapy for a long time.  AND he's been crawling.  Well, ok, backwards, but it's so exciting to see him trying to reach for something.  Stinks that he's going the wrong way and gets frustrated because of it, still exciting and adorable tho! 

Also, coming in just 2+ months we have the Walk for Down Syndrome! So excited about this.  I am going to dedicate another post just to this and to our amazing friends, the Romero's.  We have been absolutely blessed to have found them and can't imagine taking this journey, or "walk" withouth them.  More to come on that.....

Wait, what the heck am I doing sitting here?!!? The house is silent as can be, I must go enjoy it.  Who knows how long it will last?!?!

Stickers Are Magic! And Dominick is OCD

Man, I really hate when I wait so long in between my blog posts.  I never know where to start.  So much happens around here daily that I just couldn't go thru them all.  Nor could I remember all of it if my life depended on it.  Seriously losing gobs of brain cells by the hour.  Sometimes, it's so bad, I can't even form a sentence when speaking to another adult.  My mind just goes blank.  It's an awful feeling!  I have aged years over the last 3 months.  I'm gaining weight and losing my mind, simultaneously.  But, of course, it's all worth it in the end.  So, enough about my dwindling brain cells and growing pants size.  On to some serious cuteness, starting with Baby Eddie. 

Baby Eddie is growing by leaps and bounds!  He is in the chubby faze.  So love this part of babyhood.  (babyhood?)  I remember Dominick going thru the same growth spurt.  Eddie's cheeks are all filled out, totally plump and juicy and ready to nibble.  Oh, and I nibble, let me tell you.  He is just honestly the most beautiful baby I've ever seen.  I'm not just saying that because he is mine, he really is gorgeous.  See, I know Dominick was .... well, let me just say NOT as beautiful as a baby? ha, he looked like a little monkey! SERIOUSLY. take a look:

See? I told you! Ha, I have no idea WHERE time went or HOW this little monkey turned into the screaming, tantrum throwing, whiney, yet totally handsome toddler that now rules my house, my sleep and my sanity.  It happened when I wasn't looking.  One day he was this little itty bitty, the next he was talking in sentences and using the potty!  What!?  Well, I guess I can now say it's official.  Dominick uses the potty like a big boy.  He hasn't had a pee pee accident in almost a week, his unders or pull ups stay totally dry and he uses the potty on his own when he feels the urge.  It's incredible to me.  I have only one thing to thank for this miracle.  STICKERS.  Holy heck, what is it about stickers that is so magical??? The first few days he would pee every 5 minutes, just to get that magical little sticker.  Or, maybe it was to watch Mommy make a total fool of herself as she danced around the kitchen like a maniac?  Perhaps a little of both.  These little pieces of gooey gold have also helped with getting in the car.  The process of loading the boys into the car became war time around here.  That is until I introduced the Yo Gabba Gabba "Be A Good Boy & Get In Your Damned Car Seat" chart.  All of a sudden, all I have to say is "you want a sticker? Then be a good boy and sit in your seat please" and it was like he would wake up from his tantrum coma and be that perfect little boy that got lost in there somewhere.  So, yeah, STICKERS ARE MAGIC!   And, yes, Dominick is OCD.  Well, not seriously.  I don't think, although, maybe? ha.  He has taken to a whole new form of...I don't know what, independence maybe?  Every single little task that needs to be done in this house has to first be attempted by Dominick.  If I try to, how dare I, close the refrigerator door, he will be throwing a tantrum behind me "DOMINICK DO IT!"  It was cute at first, now it's just out of control.  It's literally everything and totally exhausting.  Aside from that, his new thing is .... I can't even explain it.  If we are walking to the bathroom or from the bathroom, or anywhere he will have to go back to the furthest wall and "start" there.  Even if that's not where we started from.  It's kinda nutty, and again...exhausting!  I now am a step ahead of him and just automatically go back to the furthest wall before taking his hand to do anything.  This probably is just feeding into the nutso behavior, but it saves me a lot of tantrum throwing time. 

Look what happened, I was supposed to be talking about Eddie, and I totally went off babbling.  Eddie is doing great, I am so grateful for his health, oh and for his AWESOME sleep habits. Yay for sleeping thru the night since he was 2 months old!  Well, I've used up all my Mommy time, nap time is over for big boy, and just about to start for the itty bitty.

Thanks for stopping by!!
<3